The Professor's Presidential Preview

The Democrats

2007-07-17T13:36:00.001-07:00

Here now is the second installment of my 2008 Presidential Preview: The Democrats. In case you missed my preview of the Independents, it's here. There are far fewer Democrats, but some of them are no less wacky. Only one women and four minorities (and no one who qualifies for both) - I doubt the Republicans will fare any better on that front.

Next to each candidate's name I list their current job and where they are from (when known). If you CLICK ON THE PICTURES they are linked to the campaign websites. Since we are now venturing into the "serious" candidates, many of them have extensive views on a wide range of subjects; visiting their websites will give you much more in-depth information than I can provide here. At the bottom of each bio box I've included a bit of info on some of the more interesting aspects on their websites. All of the more prominent candidates seem to have found the same template.

I tried to make this list as comprehensive as possible. Some of the announced candidates do not have websites, which makes it difficult for me to preview anything about them. A few made it in with no website; most did not. All the major candidates have Intros for their sites which ask you to give them money - feel free to cough it up.

A couple websites helped me compile this list; please visit them for more information:

And here they are:

	Bill Richardson (Governor, New Mexico) A minority (Hispanic) - he was born in California but lived in Mexico City until he was 14, when he moved to Massachusetts. Moved to New Mexico in the late 1970's. You can view his site in Spanish if you want (he's fluent). Nice little bio of his wife (Barbara). Since Bill begins the list, he gets the first crack at Iraq...a 7 Point Plan. Fun Time? Plan a "BBQ for Bill" to raise some cash for him: "Host a BBQ and invite your friends to talk about Governor Richardson." Who Boy! If you told me it was gonna be that kinda party... $$$: $7 million, or thereabouts. Bill may cause some waves with the Hispanic vote, but I doubt it. Boring Blue American Flag Banner. I hope this isn't a preview of what's to come.
	James Prattas (Artist?, Hawaii) James asks, "Please take a moment and read this website. Is America worth '30 minutes' of your precious time?" Too bad it would take four hours to read it - his page was loading the entire time it took me to write this. I got as far as, "This site is for enlightened intellectuals," and decided I'd best move on. The only candidate who claims Spartan heritage. Some nuggets of wisdom from James: "This is not some slick $17 Million Madison Avenue political web site." Believe that. "It has been brought to my attention that there is a movement to keep out of the media...candidates as my self from being even listed as candidates on many web sites..." This movement has not reached me yet. I'll let you know. This is the BEST QUOTE and Prattas' 1 point plan for Iraq: "If we can not come to Peace in the Middle East we might as well Nuke the place..." Spoken like a true democrat; Truman would be proud. $$$: Lunch money, if that. If you like bad 'Hawaiian' art and want to see a lot of pictures of James doing not much in particular, check it out.
	Mike Gravel (ex-Senator, Virginia) He lives in Virginia now, but was a Senator from Alaska (1969-81). For some reason he likes to mention he was once a cab driver in New York City . One of the few candidates who lays it out quickly: "[He supports] a national sales tax and abolition of the IRS, immediate withdrawal from the war in Iraq, and a single-payer national health care system, and term limits..." Not much on his wife (Whitney). He focuses more on what's wrong in Iraq than what he gonna do to fix it, but he seems to have at least a 3 point plan. $$$: Around $125K. I think. Another bad Blue American Flag Banner. That's two.
	John Joseph Kennedy (Executive Producer: Tippnary Entertainment Group, Georgia) As if having the last name Kennedy wasn't enough, John J. throws this in his bio: "Mr. Kennedy is the great-great grandson of John D'Arcy Kennedy (Ancient French House of D'Arcy) [of] direct royal descent from King Charlemagne, the Emperor of the Holy Roman Empire..." He goes on to mention Joan D'Arc. Not related to the other Kennedy's as far as I can tell. Has a heartbreaking story concerning his sister, who was murdered in Thailand. He's an advocate for a gentleman (Peter Kimber) from Canada who is in prison in Mexico. One interesting idea for a Democrat: "As President I will initiate an ecliptic program to end the prevailing violence in the media, which permeates every aspect of our lives and mind." Maybe he can team up with Tipper. He lists "Fashion Model" under his professional experiences. Hey ladies! He's single. There's a campaign video, but I really wanted to hear the song; too bad the link doesn't work. You can read the lyrics. $$$: His "Latest News" link hasn't been updated since February so it may be safe to say, I don't know, $100? If you click on "Contribute" it takes you to a completely unrelated site. Send him a check. White House American Flag Statue of Liberty
	Joseph Biden (Senator, Deleware) Was this guy running for President in the crib? Seems like he's been a candidate for President since I could vote. God love him, he keeps coming back for more. There is no love lost between Joe and the current administration; some of the most vitriolic attacks you will see on any major candidate's website. He has a 5 point plan for Iraq and this query for the critics, "The question for those who reject this plan is simple: what is your alternative?" Check out Kucinich's freakin' 12 point plan (below) Joe! Did you know? "Right after being elected to the Senate in 1972, his first wife and daughter were killed in a car accident." Jill (his current wife of 30 years) is a schoolteacher. Lives with his Mom too! $$$: Somewhere in the neighborhood of $5 million. Surprise! An American Flag Banner. He didn't choose the washed out blue look though.
	Warren Roderick Ashe (Founder: Jyperonix Astrophysics, Virginia) No photo and no real website, but Warren is too good to pass up. The website I linked to has the same biographical information for him as the info on Project Vote Smart, so I assume it is the same guy. And it is that link which gets him in here. Jyperonix Astrophysics is...well, I'll let Warren explain: "Jyperonix Astrophysics...is a Fortune 500 company at the top of the list. I am involved with time travel communications that are real. And capable of time travel contact throughout history itself." I would assume he's rich, as that sort of technology is probably in high demand and low supply. He goes on with this BEST QUOTE: "I also build flying saucers that are capable of going to another solar system at high warp speed. The time travel transmissions have communicated at least and no less than 500 years into the future. I have used my saucers built by hand at Edgecombe Community College in Rocky Mount, North Carolina. That has already since 1983 taken sperm and DNA into the future. Into the 22nd, 23rd, and 24th centuries. The methods I used are through flux capacitation and wormhole technology." Flux capacitation? I saw Back to the Future - that stuff works! His Iraq plan has to be the best, since he already knows what happens. Hand-crafted flying saucers is a first for any candidate I have previewed. I have questions (as I'm sure we all do) about taking sperm and DNA into the future, but I'm not sure I want them answered. $$$: If you could travel into the future, how rich would you be? Also: President, Marijuana Legilzation Committee, 2000-2007.
	Hillary Clinton (Senator, New York) I think y'all know this gal. I won't say much on her, except to comment on a couple of her more annoying website items. Join "Team Hillary." You can watch her videos on something called "HillCam." Eesh. But that's not as bad as her nickname for fundraisers: "Hillraisers." You can even get some HTML code to raise money for her on your own site. "Be a Hillraiser!" Just get Bill to write another freakin' book Hillary. Her Iraq plan leaves a little to be desired. I'm gonna say it's a 4 point plan. Feel free to argue with that, I really don't care. A Hillary Priority: "Promoting programs, like Home Instruction for Parents of Preschool Youngsters, that provide new parents with support and guidance in caring for their children. As First Lady of Arkansas, she helped bring HIPPY to the U.S." H.I.P.P.Y.? I like how she helped "bring it to the U.S." Where was it before? Eugene, Oregon? $$$: Over $63 million and rising. Faded Blue American Flag Banner #3.
	Barack Obama (Senator, Illinois) You know this guy too. His father is from Kenya, mother is from Kansas, and he was born in Hawaii. You can learn about his wife (Michelle) in a little bio and video clip. Pretty straightforward - go read up on him if you've been living under a rock. He has a great event: a "Women for Obama House Party!" Coming soon to a theater near you! Iraq: 5 point plan. $$$: At least $58 million. Hmmm...He has a logo which shows a white sun rising over a red striped landscape with a blue sky background. Eerily Japanese.
	Randolph Crow (Real Estate?, North Carolina) Another Coat of Arms! Daniel Imperato's is the only other one of those I've seen. Randy has many good quotes; you'll have to check out his extensive 9/11 conspiracy theory yourself. I'll give you a teaser: (The innovative spelling is all Randy) "Experience tells me "Big George's" [41] Shadow Government, New World Order, zion$t$, Omega Agency is up to no good and this evil is responsible for planning and implementing September 11, the war with Iraq, the DC sniper shootings, and many other dirty deeds." 'They' also come after him personally, my BEST QUOTE nominee: "Some people, usually zioni$t$ and communists, as a means of trying to nullify me, have said that I am prejudiced against Jewish people." He goes on to say he really just doesn't like zionism, and "less than half of all Jewish people believe in zionism." Much better. His take on gambling: "Internet gamboling must be stopped because it is theft pure and simple." Dream ticket: Randy Crow and Wayne Allen Root. IRS Alert: "My high standard of living seems to mystify and anger some who can't understand where my money comes." He is against the war in Iraq, though he doesn't appear to have any solutions. In fact, Randy seems to have something against pretty much everybody. Makes for a small base constituency. $$$: I looked...I have no idea. Probably a total in-between the cost of a Big Mac and the Chicago Cubs. Bad Blue American Flag Banner #4.
	John Edwards (Senator, North Carolina) I was hoping John would have something on Ann Coulter and he didn't disappoint me. "Ann Coulter Attacks!" is the headline. His wife's (Elizabeth) battles with cancer are well known, and Coulter accused him of milking the story for sympathy. You can see the video of Coulter on his site. Supposedly he got a big fundraising push from this thing. If your lucky (and rich and live in New Hampshire), Elizabeth may drop by your own "Edwards House Party." Some lengthy discussions of "The Issues," Iraq not being one of them. I'll give him a 3 point plan 'cause I'm feeling generous. Not one to eschew hyperbole, he calls Bush and Cheney "psychopaths" on his blog. He has an interesting page called "Women for Edwards" on which he claims he wants guaranteed health care for "every woman in America." Well, that's half the vote. The bios of he and his wife and daughter are more interesting than most. Best tidbit: one of his daughter Cate's favorite books is Sylvia Plath's The Bell Jar. Shocker! $$$: Approximately $23 million. A blue/green shooting star?
	Dennis Kucinich (House Member, Ohio) Probably the biggest wing-nut of the major players, Dennis would raze the White House and plant daisies if elected. Wants to ratify no-less than ten international treaties playing fast and free with our national sovereignty. Long discussions of the issues which I'll let you read (a 12 point plan for Iraq). Bio of his wife, Elizabeth. I like the "Impeach Cheney" link, but the best is the "Host a House Party" link. I have no idea how much the stuff costs (you have to register), but you get signs, pins, stickers, and a campaign DVD. I know what I'm doing Friday night! $$$: I'm guessing around $600K. I may be wrong, but then I'm not his accountant. Blue American Flag Banner #5. An American Flag Peace Sign. What decade is it again?
	Lee Mercer (Apparently one of the two Presidents, Texas) He looks sane. Looks can be deceiving. As I read his biography he seemed normal enough, but then it all started to go sideways quickly: "On August 22, 1992, The State of Texas installed an intelligence hotwire in me at the United States Army Military Intelligence Academy Camp." [Before I begin, it seems that everyone is hooked up to something called the "Eye Spy" something-or-other, and that Lee is in charge of the thing. Not that this really clarifies anything...] Here are some highlights: He is running... 9. To prove that every person in the United States and world is hooked up on an Eye Spy Community-Military Intelligence... 10. To prove the United States of America has two Governments and they are Government #1 and Government #2 and I own Government # 1... 11. To prove the United States of America has two Presidents and I am one of them. Guess he wants to be both of them... 23. To Prove I have solved every crime in the world as it happens from zero to start to finish for every crime...[this goes with...] 69. I have solved every crime in America and the world for the last 15 years dating back to before Christ. This next one may come as a shock to those of you who know a little about history. Or not. 25. To Prove I will be the 2nd Negro President of the United States of America. 34. To Prove the government owes me Zillions of Dollars in money and is refraining to pay me. I can't decide which of the next two points should be nominated for Best Quote, so they are both in. 49. To Prove the United States Government killed my sex life, my wife sex life, my daughter-in –laws sex life both may sons and other of my family members sex life with Espionage Experimentation and Espionage Exploitation sex killing. 51. To Prove to you citizens you do not know what and how I am suppose to do for you and what and how I am suppose to do for the United States of America’s Government National and International. Good luck with that. 56. To Prove Jeb Bush is all in my house with disease. I hate it when Jeb does that. 67. To Prove these perpetrators are trying to stop me from running for President...They keep killing my mother and our family... I do not want these perpetrators to kill my Mother. He seems to have a legitmate gripe. I wouldn't want them to kill my Mom either. $$$: If he ever gets his hands on the "zillions" of dollars the government owes him, it's all over. Well, except for the voting part. What you see is what you get. I'm exhausted, check it out for yourself.
	Dal LaMagna (Founder: Tweezerman, Washington) "Dal LaMagna is not yet a household name." You're kidding. I like the optimism in the "not yet." Tweezerman is a "Beauty Tool" company which sells stuff like, uh, tweezers. Dal easily wins WORST NICKNAME with that. His main issues seem to be Iraq (apparently he spends a good deal of time there and in Jordan) and presidential appointees. He doesn't have a specific plan for Iraq that I could find, but he appears extremely well informed. He is currently accepting applications for his Campaign Manager; that's a first. Go to his site and apply - some travel may be required (most likely not to Washington D.C.) $$$: His number of online donations is at 25 so again, you do the math. Maybe one of them was Bill Gates. A plain blue banner. No points.
	Albert 'Big Al' Hamburg Sr. (Unknown, Wyoming) Al doesn't have a website, but that picture was too good to pass up. That and this record: Candidate, Governor of Wyoming, 1988, 2006 Candidate, United States President, 2000, 2004 Candidate, United States House of Representatives, 1972-1992, 2004 Candidate, Nebraska, United States Senate, 2000, 2002 Candidate, United States Senate, Wyoming, 1990 Candidate, United States Congress, Wyoming, 1986. Looks like a whole lotta runnin' and not much winning for Big Al. I want more info on his religion: "My own." Word on the street is Al is a convicted felon, so his Presidential bid may be short lived. One report I read said he forged signatures of dead people back in the 1980's to get on the ballot in Wyoming. Too bad for him he doesn't live in Illinois. $$$: How much money do you think Al has in the bank?
	Mr. Gore "Say, have you seen my Oscar?"
	Karl Krueger (Line Haul Driver, South Dakota) Karl says he averages 75 hours a week driving and campaigns on the weekends. Now that's dedication. Seems to me he should be running for the Green Party nomination. Karl is all about energy independence - he founded Energy Initiative and advocates alternative energy solutions. His website has no American Flags or patriotic symbols whatsoever. Instead we get a windmill, a cornfield, and an eighteen wheeler. His Iraq policy is basically a 1 point plan: let Syria, Jordan, Kuwait, and Turkey deal with it. Nice quote: "Please remember, Karl wants you to limit your contributions to $50." Gary Rostad (above) beats him on this front; Gary wants you to limit your contributions to one dollar. $$$: Those pesky limits get in the way of any serious stockpile o' cash. He might buy you lunch if you agree to ride your bike to the Diner. Bombs away! Karl is a life member of the United States Parachute Association.
	Dan Francis (Retired Military, New York) Dan spent many years in the military and speaks Russian, Korean and some Japanese. Of all the 'Off the Beaten Path' candidates, Dan seems to offer a bit more intelligent insight into the issues than most. I recommend you check him out, but as of this writing he's only expounded on 2 of the 12 issues he wants to discuss (Iraq is not on the list). Click on the "Some Solutions" link. Dan has zero friends on his My Space site, which may have something to do with the "Citizen Dan" nickname. Go hook him up! But beware, you have to listen to that Buffalo Springfield song we've all heard a gazzilion times. $$$: Uh...no. His website is truly awful. My Grandma could do better and she hasn't owned a computer her entire life.
	Sal Mohammed (Pharmaceutical Engineering Manager, Iowa) I put Sal on the list because I've seen him on other lists, but after reading his bio I'm not sure he is eligible. He was born in Egypt and became a U.S. citizen in 1983. I may be wrong, but I thought that was the problem with Schwarzenegger (well, that and he's Schwarzenegger). Anyway, Sal claims to be "the only candidate" who can do a bunch of things, but if the following quote is true he's got my vote: "The situation in Iraq is moving from bad to worse with a negative effect on America’s interest in the middle east and the rest of the world. I am the only candidate for president who can reverse this trend. I will be the only president who can convince the Iraqis to stop the violence and lay down their arms." That's a 1 point plan Ladies and Gentleman! Elect Sal! $$$: Go to his website. Now fill in the blank .__¢. A quote and picture of Thomas Edison. Another horrible website, orange and blue.
	Christopher Dodd (Senator, Connecticut) ZZZzzz. I'm tired of these boring candidates. The Independents were much more entertaining. You can join the "Dodd Squad," watch "DTV," and shop in the "Dodd Mart." He has a link to his views on a couple campaign issues including Iraq (a 2 point plan: diplomacy and a timetable) and "National Service," which sounds thrilling. Each of the issues he discusses has a section where you can comment, and many people ask him questions which he never answers. New technology sucks. $$$: Around $9 million believe it or not. I choose not. A faded American Flag banner, #7.
	Michael Forrester (Unknown, Colorado) That picture was too good for me to pass up. He's not actually at the White House. I'm fairly certain that is as close as he's gonna get though. As of this writing, Mr. Forrester has chosen not to respond to my attempts to get him to divulge his current occupation. I say he's a Photoshop genius! His plan for Iraq? Don't look on his website. He has some vanilla views on main topics (education, healthcare, etc.) His bio is extremely sparse with both "History" and "Future Plans...coming soon." I'll be sure to check back. An American Flag. And another American Flag. And another...
And there you have it. I will update the information as it becomes available and, as always, comments on my wonderful analysis are more than welcome. If someone knows a candidate who would like to be included on this list (at their own risk), shoot us an email HERE or just post a comment. In the sagacious words of my Mother: I don't care who you vote for, just vote. Up next: The Republicans!

The Independents

2007-07-17T13:31:00.000-07:00

Well, here we go. In response to overwhelming demand, I present to you the first installment of The Professor's Presidential Preview. We will begin with third party & independent candidates, as they are in desperate need of an introduction to the masses and, quite honestly, they are the most interesting.
This will not be a comprehensive list - all candidates had to have a website for me to evaluate them. If they have some sort of party affiliation I list it, otherwise they are Independent. CLICK ON THE PICTURES to check out their sites for yourself; if cheeky website analysis is really what you want, go HERE. At the bottom of each bio box, I've included some details about various patriotic images each candidate's website displays. O' say can you see!

Before we begin, I would like to thank the following sites and recommend you visit them yourself for more info:

Many of the candidates have items for sale, but I also found this site chalk full of stuff should you and your money not have a friendly relationship:

That's it. Republicans, Democrats, and more prominent Independent candidates will be discussed in later posts.

Without further ado,

Here They Are:

	Jack Grimes (United Fascist Union) In case you were wondering: "The main objectives of the United Fascist Union shall be: (a) To institute a military Dictatorship form of government over the Earth. " and, "(c) To corporatize utilities (making them agencies of the United Fascist Union)." (B) and (D) are nowhere near as good. By far the Best Costume. Also a candidate for Best Quote: "Vote Fascist 2008!!" I'll get right on that. American Flag Bald-Eagle Bonus: Statue of Liberty and a pentagram!
	Dr. Don J. Grundmann. (Independent) Don's got himself a "Matrix" theme working. He asks us to "Take the red pill!" He's the second Doctor I found (chiropractor and herbalist), Dr. Ruwart is below. Don does not like the IRS. Best Quote: "NO LAW REQUIRES YOU TO FILE AND PAY INCOME TAX FOR WORKING IN AMERICA." I advise you to send him the bill for your lawyers. Don says, "This site is not created to show me hugging a baby." He's not lying. Red pills as link buttons is as close as you get to patriotic.
	Ruth Bryant White (Independent) Appears to have many ideas on a broad range of topics. Whoever designed her website needs to be fired immediately (this is a common trend with all these candidates). "More Than a Woman" theme puts her in the running for Best Song and Best Motto. Unfortunately, the version of the song on her website will make your head explode. American Flag: It's a cheap waving flag icon, but we'll count it.
	kat swift (Green Party) No, that's not her in the picture (at least I don't think it is). She feels we should have the "option of voting for 'none of the above' in every election." I wholeheartedly agree. Had to put her on the list for this Best Quote: "my name is not capitalized - use all lower case letters!" Sure thing kat! Her patriotism shows in the picture; the only use of the American Flag as clothing.
	Joe Martyniuk (Independent) Boring. Horrible picture and website. If your issues are gasoline and terrorism, Joe may be your man. He's pushing bumper stickers, but they have nothing to do with him. Joe's site rivals a morgue in its creativity.
	Steve Kissing (Independent) One of the most interesting candidates. After reading dozens of these sites it was nice to see his, which is by far the Best Site. Best Quote nominee: "I've been to a few strip clubs." Steve is from Cincinnati, which makes him my front runner. Black melodrama masquerading as patriotic? No dice, Steve.
	Dr. Mary Ruwart (Libertarian) A doctor! Her position on anything? I have no idea. According to her website she has some ideas, but you have to buy the book to get in on the secret. Statue of Liberty: Cheap icon version.
	Robert Milnes (Libertarian) Bob's looking for a "viable" third choice for president. By viable he means "one that has a reasonable chance of winning." Don't look on this list Bob. He looks real excited about his chances. Go to his website and read his bio. I dare you. Look closely...a faded blue image of the White House in the banner. Yikes.
	Michael (Mic) Tienken (Independent) The Smartest Guy in the World. Well, according to him. A Best Motto candidate for "Pic Mic '08" but unfortunately this also nets him a Worst Nickname bid. Vote for him because his last name is not Bush or Clinton. Of course, neither is anyone else's on this list. American Flag: Done tongue in cheek.
	James McCall (Independent) James' entire front page is basically quotes from the Founding Fathers. Can't go wrong there. However, the best part is when he addresses "Youngsters," a Best Quote opportunity: "Do not be offended by the term 'Youngster'. I was once called 'Youngster' myself." Get out! A candidate for Worst Motto with "Call on McCall." American Flag An animated Bald Eagle, truly hideous. The Constitution
	Christine Smith (Libertarian) Not as boring as she initially appears. Wrote a book on John Denver's spirituality. Ok, never mind. Although, she would free all marijuana offenders and enjoys firing off her 40-caliber semi-auto. Up for Best Looking candidate. I'd vote for her. Christine found the Patriotic Template, no points for that.
	Frank McEnulty (Independent) Frank is really boring. His T-Shirts are even boring (but do cost $30). The picture pretty much tells the story: nice scenery. Up for Worst Motto: "Anything is Possible in America." Except you winning Frank. Bad Red,White,& Blue banner.
	Elaine Brown (Green Party) The Green Party is not the new Black Panther Party...at least not that I know of. I'm not sure what her views are on, say, campaign topics, but she wants Imam Jamil and Micheal 'Little B' Lewis released from prison. Lots of Black Panther references, which gives her an, uh, interesting angle. She gets a nod for Best Quote: "It is not anachronistic to believe today, as in the days of the Black Panther party, that black people in the United States are not free and must be free." I think she is a former Chairman of the Black Panther Party. At least that's what the link to her album seems to say. Good Black Panther picture on the cover her album Seize the Time. Too bad that doesn't count.
	Tom Wells (Family Values Party) He ran for the House at the "command" of God. I suppose he's running for President for the same reason. He's the founder of FVP, but the link on his site doesn't work. His website has been 'under construction' for over five years. Hopefully he can manage the United States more efficiently. A lot has happened in the world of website development in the past five years. You wouldn't know it here.
	Donald K. Allen ,with wife, Paula. (Independent) Actually sane. Has views on maybe the most topics of anyone in this list, including puppy mills (he's a veterinarian). If you like your candidates to have all their marbles, this might be your guy. He'd be our 9th president from Ohio. American Flag White House
	Kent Mesplay (Green Party) His bio states that Jared Diamond is a family friend (Kent was born in Papua New Guinea). Always good to name drop Kent. Has a Ph.D. in Biomedical Engineering from Northwestern University. Diagnosis? Not on your life. His website is a hideous blue/green nightmare. Nice windmills, he should check out Karl Krueger's site.
	David Masters (Independent) Dave has a Margaret Mead quote on his home page, so you know he's...well, I don't know what that means. He's looking for some unauthorized pictures of himself circulating on the web, so if you know of any be sure to let him know. He's a Best Quote nominee for this: "It is my belief that there are a lot of people out there that think like I do," which easily could have been attributed to 90% of the people on this list. You're amongst friends here Dave. The Presidential Seal: Superimposed on the back of what appears to be turtle. That's new.
	Claire Elisabeth Fields 'America, Peach' Cruise (Independent) Seems to have an unhealthy infatuation with Tom Cruise. Her occupation of "World Peace Leader" pays a measly $30k a year. Would be our first Buddhist president. Also our first stalker president. In the running for Worst Nickname(s) and Longest Friggin' Name. A camouflage background does not mean I can't see how bad your page is. Good try though.
	Jon Greenspon (Independent) Jon's all about telling us what he CANNOT and WILL NOT do. That's refreshing. I think. John has something that looks like a halfhearted attempt at an American Flag bumper sticker. Half a point.
	Alan Augustson (Green Party) He ran the Information Management Center for FEMA's Response and Recovery Division. During Hurricane Katrina. I'd lie on my resume Alan. He's got some Swag if you don't like money. Alan's Response: "I provided the analysis and recommendations [with FEMA]. I had no control over the actual decisions, which I generally opposed." Obviously Alan is quite persuasive. UPDATE: DROPPED OUT. Some sort of green leaf with dew. Don't ask me. UPDATE: Alan has changed his banner and added a discrete American Flag background.
	Daniel Imperato (Libertarian) Dan's got a lot of stuff to say, but none of it's as interesting as his pedigree. No other candidate has their freakin' Coat of Arms on their website (UPDATE: Not true! Check out Randy Crow). I'm not sure, maybe he's a Knight of Something. I am sure that Dan might possibly be running for office in the wrong century. Ah, some Stars & Stripes. Overall ho-hum.
	Gene Amondson, not the scarecrow or Bert. (Prohibition Party) I didn't even know there still was a Prohibition Party. Gene doesn't like drinking. He has one issue: no booze. If you don't like booze then guess what, Gene's your guy. Probably the Best Quote: "Drinking responsibly is like teaching a pig to eat with a spoon." Amen to that. For being an artist, Gene sure has a boring site. Have another.
	Don Cordell (Independent) Well, now. Don has many ideas, and by many I mean it would take a week to read his one page website. The most interesting tidbit I found: "What car do I drive now? A used 1996 Cadillac limo made in Texas..." He goes on to complain about the paint job. If you have a spare lifetime, read all about it. I think you can find the American Flag. All he needs is a pitchfork and Ma.
	Lanakila Washington (Humanistic Party) Ah, where to begin. Mr. Washington seems ok, but he named his website "A Tribute to"...himself. His My Space site claims he makes 250k+ a year, which may not be BS when one looks at his friends (Dr. Dre?). Lanakila is a name "bestowed" on him by Hawaiians. Of course, he's from New York. Go figure. I think he may be the only member of the Humanistic Party. Up for Best Song. Lots of American Flags. Small shot of the White House.
	Robert Winn (Independent) Ok, so I broke my own rule. Robert doesn't have a website. Or a picture. But check out this resume: Political Experience Candidate, U.S. President, 2000,2004 Prisoner, Maricopa County, AZ, 1992 Prisoner, V.A. Hospital , Psychiatric Ward, 1970 Now those are some *real* qualifications.
	Terry Lee 'Tee' Barkdull (Independent) Dull being the operative word. An "I love my country!" candidate. A decent quote: "The Elephant remembers what it suppose to do, but would rather fill it's pockets with our money instead and the Mule, is just to stubborn to do what's right for America." Ok. But this is the Best Quote bid: "Well, America had it's 'LITTLE' Mexican May day again.." Also a candidate for Worst Nickname: 'Tee'. Fore! A giant Bald Eagle. The Army & Navy Official Seals. I think Tee is a Vet.
	Mark Graham (Independent) Mark is fairly boring, but it looks like he has a clean kitchen. Mark has an American Flag/ United States icon which is amusing because it looks like New Mexico had Alaska for dinner last night.
	Arthur Regan (Independent) Arthur is the first person I've seen treat this like a job application; he offers to provide references. I think we'll take you up on that Art. Winner of the Say What? award: "For a Vote Unto Me is Truthfully You Voting Unto Yourself." Say what? Nice cape though. Bad American Flags all over. I see them in my sleep...
	Karen Kwiatkowski (Libertarian) Apparently someone else has thrown her hat in the ring, and she'll be the only one here where that is the case (that I know of). The website this links to is not her's. I had to put her in because she wins Worst Friggin' Name hands down.
	Jonathon Albert 'The Impaler' Sharkey (Independent) The Impaler made this entire chore worth the time. Check out this resume: Professional Experience: Commanding General, The 1st Vampyre, Witches, Pagans Party Regiment, 2006-present Political Experience: Founder/National Chairman, The Vampyres, Witches, Pagans Party, 2005-present Organizations: Dark Priest/Advisor, Church of the Followers of Lucifer, 2005-present Founder/National Chair, Vampyres, Witches, Pagans against Impaired Driving, 2005-present Public Policy Member, Mothers Against Drunk Driving, 2001-2004. Suffice it to say 'Ole John boy thinks he's a vampire. If you look closely, seems like John figured this out around 2005. He was merely your plain old run-of-the-mill Republican before then. His founding of Vampyres, Witches, & Pagans against Impaired Driving makes me want throw him on a ticket with Gene Amondson or Tom Wells (see above). Who boy! What fun that would be... Easily a candidate for many awards, including Best Costume, Best Nickname, and Best Quote: "THE AMERICAN VAMPYRE FROM JERSEY, IS OUT FOR BLOOD! THE BLOOD OF OUR ENEMIES!!!" If you thought being a vampire didn't have its perks (other than giving your skin that healthy glow), check out his friends on his My Space website. While there you will get a treat: Best Song nominee "Living on a Prayer" by Bon Jovi. Seems fitting for The Impaler's campaign. One of the best American Flags.
	Bob Hargis (Independent) Bob seems somewhat intriguing. His wife (Rosemary) wrote his bio on the site. Check him out, possibly one of the few sane individuals you may find here. American Flag Founding Father Quote
	Charles Joseph Leo 'Taz, Possium' Symonds III (Independent) Yawn. Taz is here for the Worst Nickname. I'm sure he has other redeeming qualities, feel free to search them out on your own. I have no idea what 'Possium' is supposed to mean. He has a picture of some Patriotic Domed Interior, which is rather nice.
	Ben Thompson (Independent) The first line of Mr. Thompson's site: "The Ben Thompson for President campaign does not endorse the ads that appear at the top and bottom of our web pages." If they were wise, they wouldn't endorse what appears in the middle either. It's been a battle to get his picture here..hope it was worth it. American Flag Bald Eagle
	Orion Karl Daley (Balanced Party) If Karen Kwiatkowski decides not to run, Orion may be a shoo-in for Worst Friggin' Name. Who names their kids after constellations anymore? Aside from the name he seems like an Ok guy, except on the Project Vote site he claims to be a she. Some Campaign Swag on his website. Not good swag (a tote bag?), but swag nonetheless. A cheap American Flag banner. Bald Eagle The Scales of Justice!
	George Phillies (Libertarian) Another candidate for Worst Friggin' Name should KK not run. A baseball team? C'mon. Other than that he seems like a real nice guy, so obviously he's done for. He went to MIT for god's sake, he can't win. I heard him on a podcast debate the other night, and he sounded more intelligent than everyone else involved. But...he is also a walking cure for insomnia. Faded orange banners don't count.
	Lisa Weltman (Independent) Lisa "intends to run a serious 'run to win' campaign." Well, that's a relief, I was tired of everyone else and their loser mentality. Lisa's website requires a serious penchant for reading copious amounts of small print. Enjoy. Lisa has chosen a rather Chinese looking red, white, & yellow American Flag for a banner. 表決為我!
	Deshon 'Big D' Porter Sr. (Independent) Sigh. Deshon gives us a few options, including Worst Nickname and Worst Quote: "I like to sing act podcasting radio I am college student my goal is to be eather [sic] president or in congress." Please, please go to his site and listen to the man himself explain why he is running. I had to. He's a big Rutgers fan. Let's graduate from college first shall we Deshon? Giant Scarlet Knight banners? Nope.
	Bob Jackson (Libertarian) Possibly the only Eagle Scout on the list. He's got a lot of ideas, this being one of them: "There must be a realistic plan put into action that would replace fossil fuels as the primary future energy source. Bob is the only candidate with such a plan." Bob doesn't let us in on what exactly that plan is. Guess you have to vote for him to find out. The Interior of a Courtroom. What's that about Bob?
	Michael P. Jingozian (Independent) I think he's an Independent. His website touts something called "Reset America," which may or may not be a party, but certainly is up for Worst Motto. His website is not too bad, and even offers some HTML code so you can do the advertising for him. American Flag banner: Complete with some folks doing the wave. A first: The back of the Statue of Liberty.
	John Bowles (National Socialist Party) Many of you may recognize the National Socialist Party by another name: the Nazi Party. Bowles doesn't disappoint. Candidate for Worst Costume and Worst Quote: "Only members of the nation may be citizens of the state. Only those of pure White blood, whatever their creed, may be members of the nation...Accordingly, no Jew or homosexual may be a member of the nation." While we're at it, I'm declaring the winner of Overall Worst Candidate. Congratulations Johnny. Go HERE if you would like to see the flag. It isn't an American flag...
	Gary Rostad (Independent) Gary was kind enough to provide a picture, and one with Mount Rushmore at that. Gary has what seems to be a 1 point plan for Iraq: we leave 18 months after "the last suicide bomb, the last mass attack on people of any kind..." Why don't we just make 'em the 51st state? The only candidate who has answers the question, "What do I think of NASCAR?" Go to his site to find out! $$$: Gary asks for no more than $1 donations. You do the math. Statue of Liberty and some American Flags The only use of the signatures from the Declaration of Independence as a background.
	Steve Kubby (Libertarian) Steve, Steve, STEVE...tone down the colors on your website before I go blind. He looks like he's gonna try and sell us something doesn't he? In the running for Worst Motto with "Let Freedom Grow!" Eesh. The colors...they hurt.
	Earl Dodge (Prohibition Party) This just in: not only is there a Prohibition Party but they have split into two factions. Gene Amondson (above) represents one, while Earl here represents the other. He has the dubious distinction of culling the lowest number of votes (140) of any candidate with ballot access in the 2004 presidential election. Hopefully his campaign button business serves him better this time around. Drinks on him! Capitol Building: Where's Ted?
	Steve Adams (Independent) Steve's not very interesting, but since he graduated from the University of Cincinnati he gets in. Consider him for Best Quote: "The Presidency is no easy job and should not be entrusted to anyone who can write a nice web site." Hold on there Steve, that's just crazy talk. American Flag Bald Eagle Bonus: The Lincoln Memorial
	David Koch, and family. (Independent) Dave's the only candidate I know of who already has a running mate (Ken Goldstein). Good for them, they can both go down in flames. Seriously though, they seem like real nice people. Good luck with that. The Constitution American Flag A couple pictures of the White House, David's future residence.
	Phillip Morrow (Independent) Phillip is in line for Most Boring Candidate. He also has, if not a Best Quote, one of the Weirdest Quotes: "I believe that every American should listen to “The Americans” by Gordon Sinclair of Canadian Broadcasting." We'll get right on that, right after we "Vote Fascist in 2008!!" It seems there is a web template for Presidential hopefuls. Phillip found it. No points.
	Joseph 'Average Joe' Schriner (Independent) Joe's not extremely interesting, but then that's why his nickname is Average Joe. He's in that category, but check out his song which is a definite contender for Best Song.
	Richard H. Clark (Independent) No, he never hosted American Bandstand. Another run-of-the-mill candidate. Except for this Best Quote: "I will prosecute Mr. Bush and his administration for their crimes." Gerald Ford he's not. His website is a maze-have fun. American Flag Lettering The Presidential Seal: Presumptuous? I think not.
	Arnold Jones (American Party) Mr. Jones is endorsed by...himself. More of the same, except that his link "On the Issues" has absolutely nothing. I like! American Flag Bald Eagle: No, not him.
	Gail 'For Rail' Parker (Green Party) Gail likes rail. I don't know if she has stock in B&O or just likes trains. She's a proponent of what's called "light rail" in Virginia (and I suppose everywhere else). Having lived in Norfolk for 10 years, let me tell you the likelihood of light rail coming to town: 0. Up for Worst Nickname. I don't know, can you find the American Flag?
	Michael Moriarty (The Realists) He invented the party, along with his chances to win. Yep, he's an actor. A whole lot of Marx this and Communist that on his site. Feel free to read it all. I didn't. His link is just a post on some other site...what do you expect from someone who shares the same last name as Sherlock's nemesis?
	Jeff 'Petro' Petkevicius (Independent) Jeff hates expensive gas...and writing it seems, because his entire website is YouTube clips outside the Ten Commandments. I don't think he likes homosexuals either; "From NFL to Hell - Jesus set him free from Homosexuality" doesn't sound too neighborly. Up not only for Worst Name, but Worst Nickname too. Nice picture of The Thank You Fairy. Her name is Brooke by the way. And no, that doesn't count.
	Wayne Allen Root (Libertarian) Unlike Steve Kubby (above), Wayne really is trying to sell you something: his latest sports picks. If you think handicapping Alabama/Auburn games is good experience for leading the free world, Wayne is your man. Click on his site, which is cleverly named Millionaire Republican.com. David Masters (above) should look him up. Wins Best Initials in a landslide. A serious contender for Worst Motto: "Root for America!" He's also nominated for Best Quote: "Barry Goldwater is my hero and mentor." Parlay that! Ye 'Ole American Flag banner. Sigh.
	Charles Maxham (Independent) Nice Photoshop work Chuck. Seriously, he seems like a down to earth kind of guy...and a Best Quote nominee: "My goal is not to be a professional politician. I do not care if I am reelected." Well, that's good. American Flag Statue of Liberty Bald Eagle
	Ole' Savior (Independent) Not much info on Ole' Savior, but his name alone gets him the final spot on this list. I have seen him listed as a Democrat, but I don't believe it.
And there you are. Like I said, any comments or criticisms of my wonderful analysis are more than welcome. If someone knows a candidate who would like to be included on this list (at their own risk), shoot us an email HERE or just post a comment. In the sagacious words of my Mother: I don't care who you vote for, just vote. Up next: The Democrats!